so what is with my obsession with everything that is wrong with me?

i’d call it perfectionism, but it goes beyond that. it’s not just freaking out when i get a question wrong a test, in fact, i’m cool with stuff like that. what worries me is how obsessed i am with losing or not being good enough. like in tennis. i’m actually a fairly decent player on a good day, but for some reason, every time i hit a bad shot it makes me certain that i suck. i could play a perfect game except for one shot that went long, and i would still be freaking about that one shot a week later when i thought about that game.

another place where i do this is when it comes to getting into college. as i sat at the admissions presentation at nazareth last saturday, i couldn’t help but wonder if i could make it into that school. i was seriously worried that i wouldn’t be able to make it into a college like nazareth, when i have a gpa above 3.75 in high school right now with multiple college-level classes. it’s just ridiculous for me to be so worked up about it, but here i am freaking that i’ll only be able to get into a community college (nothing against community colleges, i just want to shoot a little higher, ya know?).

i just don’t understand why i have to think about everything i don’t have, rather than the things that i have going for me. it’s like i just let Pastor Oden’s sermon from 3 sundays ago go in one ear and out the other, i swear. i try, i really do, but it’s just so hard to look at what i have and use that, instead of focusing on what i don’t have and whining about it. i need to just sit back for a minute, and think to myself, wow, you have a lot going for you, you should really share this with everyone around you. but it’s like the part of my brain that says these things is only on like an hour out of the day, and the rest of the time there’s a part screaming, you can’t do this, you can’t do that. even now i’m whining about what’s wrong with me rather than what’s right with me.

right now, i’m going to take a vow for myself. i’m going to swear to myself that i will go one week without letting any negative thoughts affect how my day goes. i know that it’s impossible to not have negative thoughts, but i’m going to try for just a week to be uber-positive about myself. i don’t know if i can do it, but i’m sure if i put myself up to it, i’ll get pretty darn close.

and since it’s 11:30 and i should have gone to bed 2 hours ago, i’m going to go to sleep. peace out!