i am a coward.

i hide within my own personal ipod bubble, blocking out the troubles of the rest of the world. my music is my safe haven, the place where i turn when the world gets too scary. instead of facing my fears, i run away from them with the beats and rhythyms of songs singing about what i feel. i listen to these songs without thinking, just letting the music fill the void in my mind and flood out all of my conscious thought. i’m listening to my music right now, just writing whatever comes to the surface past all of the blur of guitars, drums and vocals, instead of facing my ideas head-on.

i hide behind my hip clothes, posing as someone that everyone likes, instead of just being who i really want to be. i laugh along with those laughing at me, just to seem like i’m on their side. i spend much more on clothing than i should, thinking that the bigger the price tag, the more i’ll be liked.

i hide behind the decisions my parents make about my future, just letting my future be decided instead of being who i was born to be. i accept the “inevitable fact” that i will be a teacher, and ignore my true passions for music and theatre, simply because it’s not realistic, or i’m not good enough to get into show biz. my heart lives on the stage, but my mind tells me to stay away for a better future with “financial security” and a “healthy lifestyle”, whatever those mean. i hide from my true self in hopes that the rest of the world will accept the pale facade i put up in my place.

as i go through my life, i stare at who i am and wonder, “what the hell am i thinking, acting like that?” i scream out to myself to be “real”, but i don’t even know what that means. i just keep running like a coward, trying to escape from the inevitable judgment day, where i will have to face myself and decide what i want to be. i keep running in fear, when i could just stop, and be myself, but i’m afraid of stopping, so i keep avoiding myself.

i am afraid of myself. i am a joke. i am a poor excuse for a child of god. i am broken. i am a loser. i am a coward. but at least i am.