each day i find it harder to live in this world.

but each day i also find more reason to live.

today I went to church with my family for the very first time.  Pastor Oden’t sermon was about how we as humans need to stop looking for signs from God, and start being willing to give the little that we have to God.  he spoke about the tale of the loaves and the fishes, and how the disciples could have easily prevented that miracle from happening.  he said that all it would have taken was one of the disciples to say, “Well, if I keep my bread, then I’m sure to eat,” and all of those thousands of people would have gone home hungry.  he said that people concentrate too much on what they don’t have, instead of concentrating on what they have to give to others and to God.

and as Pastor Oden spoke, i started to think about my life, and about whether or not i was keeping my loaves and my fishes to myself.  i try to use my gifts to make better the lives of others, but at the same time, i spend a lot of my time worrying about what is wrong with my life.  instead of concentrating on giving what i have to those around me and to God.

and then the church took communion.  i was embarrassed, but instead of taking communion, i stayed with my parents and did not take communion.  but as i sat there, i instead thought about the significance of communion and the significance of Christ’s sacrifice.  the music that they played while everyone took communion spoke about “my sin that held Him there”, and “my sin that drove the nails”, and i couldn’t help but wonder if it was true.  was it my sin that kept Christ on that cross, either physically or just by the fact that he was there to save me from my sin.  i began to wonder if it was because of me that Christ died.  i was simply dumbfounded to believe that someone i loved so much, and someone that loved me so much was dead because of me, and he still loved me afterwards.  it left me hurt about myself, embarrassed almost, that i could say that i loved Christ while at the same time it was because of me he was dead.  but, more importantly, i felt almost proud that i was so loved by someone, that they would suffer so greatly for me.

so even though i may have felt guilty, i felt the most amazing forgivenness i have ever felt.